LOVE IS A DECISION

It is with great sadness that I share the news that Charlie has passed. Charlie & Marty have been an inspiration to so many people whom their lives have touched. May we remember and share the love that he so freely gave and keep Marty and Lincoln in our prayers. He is dancing in heaven with his daughter Heidi now. https://www.dignitymemorial.com/obituaries/raleigh-nc/charles-coe-9028718

How do today’s couples meet? In our day, many eons ago, couples mostly met in college or high school, in bars, at church or at work. As a non-churchgoer, Charlie mostly met ladies in pubs or went on “blind” dates with decidedly mixed results. Marty dated guys in college and fellow teachers after graduation. In our day, the pressure was great to be engaged before graduation from college. Ladies not engaged by then were deemed “old maids.” Far different now, the average guy and woman marry at age 32 and 28, respectively. Also changed is how couples meet. Most commonly they met at work, in high school, in college, in church, or in a pub, but the dating scene dramatically changed in 1995 when Netscape launched its dating site—match.com. In the 2010’s online dating apps moved from the laptop to the phone. In 2013 the app, Tinder, enabled one to simply swipe right for “yes” or left for “no” as to express one’s or lack thereof. A phone-based app is more immediate, personal, and public than using a keyboard. Initially, many couples felt embarrassed that they had met online. Now, however, with its increased incidence, most couples feel comfortable sharing that they met online. More commonplace, the percentage of couples who met via the Internet grew from 0% in 1995 to 22% in 2010 with the methods below decreasing: Via a mutual friend—38% to 28% Via a high school friend--10% to 2% Via a fellow church member—8% to 2%. Remaining mostly the same were couples who met in met in bars/restaurants (22%) and college (10%). Notable findings regarding digital dating include, Couples who met through online services are slightly more satisfied than those who meet by the other means. More mixed-race couples meet online than by more traditional dating methods Men liked 60% of the women they met digitally, whereas women liked just 6% of the men. The least attractive women are as desirable to men as are the most attractive men to women. Men’s desirability of women is highest at age 18, but after that declines. In contrast, women’s desirability of men does not decrease until men are 50. For many, trawling for matches is exhaustingly frustrating, and 5% of men never match. In our marriage preparation work, we are quite struck by how few of the couples would have met through traditional dating methods. For example, the daughter of good friends met her future husband while he was serving on a Navy ship in the North Atlantic. Source: The data are drawn from Putting the Data into Dating, (2018), The Economist (Volume 428, Number 9105)

“In this sense, it is less a matter of searching for God than of allowing oneself to be found by Him in all of life’s situations, where He does not cease to pass and where He allows Himself to be recognized once He has really passed.” James Martin. 2010. The Jesuit Guide to (Almost) Everything. New York: Harper Collins. P. 98. (Marty) Two weeks ago we flew to Tucson, Arizona for a 9-day exploration of Southwest Arizona, five days of which was on a tour conducted by the Road Scholar organization. Upon our return home, we stumbled on this quote above, which prompted us to reflect on how God found us on our trip. We realized that God found us through experiences, nature, places, people, and via the Holy Spirit. Let us share how God was present to us. Finding God in Experiences (Marty) I found God at the Tucson Rodeo in the singing of the national anthem with a group of very strong patriots standing under the huge Arizona blue sky. My heart was filled with love for my country. I was also moved at the sight of the horseback riders in the arena bearing the flags of all the branches of the armed services. There was such a strong sense of gratitude for all the men and women in the military. (Charlie) I found God singing old cowboy songs played by a local cowboy guitar guy. “Home, home on the Range, ”Back in the Saddle Again,” “Riders in the Sky,” “Cool Water, “were among the songs that reminded me of my youth and my favorite cowboys like Roy Rogers, Gene Autry, and especially Lash Larue. Now please take time to reflect on a recent experience in which God found you. Finding God in Nature (Marty) I loved seeing and being surrounded by as many different plants and trees. Having four mountain ranges surrounding the city gave me a feeling of awe and grandeur. Honestly, I could see a vision of Don Quixote in the Saguaro cactus plants tall arms. (Charlie) I am totally color blind, so the world is mostly green to me. But watching the sun rise over the mountain ranges in a bright color, maybe yellow, touched me. I thanked God for making Himself clear even to disabled me. On another occasion, we took a tram up Sabino Canyon, dwarfed by sheer mountains on each side. I felt humbled, awed, and for some reason a bit scared. Finally, we had the area’s first rain in a long time. Every drop is precious there, just as is every second of our lives. Now please take time to remember a recent time when God found you through nature. Finding God in Places (Marty) I found God, or He found me, in the historic Church of San Xavier Del Bac founded by the Jesuit Priest, Fr. Kano, in 1692 located on an Indians Reservation south of Tucson and rebuilt by the Franciscans in 1785. Called the “White Dove of the Desert,” filled with saints and angels, the church is lovingly being restored by volunteers. (Charlie). God found me at the Presidio, the restored Spanish fort in downtown Tucson. I sat on a bed in a little dirt-floored room where the temperature averages 105 degrees in the summer, over 1,000 miles from home, facing understandably irate Apaches. Now please take time to reflect on a place where God recently found you. Finding God in People: Every Human is a sacrament—a Child of God. (Marty) I found God in the young service workers in Tucson taking such pride in their efforts to serve us. For example, (1) Andrea the receptionist at the hotel, after 10 straight exhausting days at the hotel, still kind, laughing and smiling, (2) the workers at the bakery restaurant excited to serve us and telling us about their second, new location at the airport, (3) Marcus doing his first blood draw on me in the ER room. Not knowing it was his first, I said “You must have done lots of these and he replied “Nope it’s my first” (P.S. He did great) (4) Jayson who was so proud that he had left his job as an auto mechanic to become a Nurse Tech and serve people. (Charlie) We knew the tour group, formerly called, Elder Hostel, would be old, but not that old -- yet every person was a warrior, never complaining, never late, intellectually curious. Here are some notable examples (1) Alysa—blind from birth with her friend Brian who was her eyes and their amazing seeing eye dog, Carmel; (2) slumped over Bill and Susan his bride of 62 years, (3) Brenda, who fell on her face just before leaving for the airport; but who put an ice pack on her black and blue face that the flight attendants replenished; Diane, who could not get a cab to take her to the airport because of blizzard conditions in Chicago but somehow made it; and Barb who had been hit while riding her bike severely injuring her arm that she had to painfully rehab during the trip. God found me through the undaunted courage of these and other folks. Now please take time to remember a person or persons in whom God is indelibly present to you. Finding God Through the Holy Spirit (Charlie) Sometimes things happen that are just too coincidental to attribute to random chance, kismet, or luck. Rather, Marty and I attribute them to the Holy Spirit creating opportunities to love others. For example, at the tour group’s last function, a closing dinner, a lady somehow figured out we had made a Marriage Encounter Weekend. She and her husband had dialogued for many years. After her husband died, she deeply regretted having earlier thrown out their many dialogue books. Also, somehow, we had long talks with Jean, who like us, has a son on the autism spectrum. In sum, we are called to be alert to the many ways that God finds us every day either instantly or once He has passed. This continuing awareness of God’s presence in our lives strengthens our faith and helps us to live our lives to the utmost. Now please take time to remember a recent time you experienced God through the Holy Spirit.

At the heart of a decision to love is the willingness to make a compromise. Deciding to love is not gritting our teeth and giving in to our spouse; rather it is a loving compromise with which both feel comfortable. After 50+ years of marriage, we have made loving compromises with respect to:

The Economist (2017). November 25, 2017 In November The Economist published a special supplement on the state of marriage throughout the world. While we will mostly be discussing marriage in the U.S; we highly recommend reading the supplement in full to understand the fascinating international similarities and differences. In Western countries, marriage historically constituted an essential step in the road to full adulthood. Marriage rested on the premise that the married couple formed a household with the male as the primary breadwinner. Marriage was deemed inevitable and happened at an early age. For instance, in the 1950s and 1960s, the average American bride was too young to drink alcohol at her own wedding. Both Marty and I had two sisters who married under intense social and economic pressure upon graduation from college. Tragically, each sister divorced. Now, the global trend is to marry later when more financially and professionally secure. For instance, the average marital age is 32 in Norway, 31 in England, and 30 in the U.S. Older, couples are more financially secure, so wedding gifts become less paramount. Among the well-off, the” destination wedding” at an exotic location is in vogue. However, the price for waiting to marry may be being unable to have the number of children desired. In the U.S. and many countries, having children has become unmoored from marriage. In 2015 40% of American babies were born to unwed, often low-income mothers. In France, the unwed mother rate is 59%, in Columbia an astounding 84%. In Great Britain, only 21% of those aged between 15 and 24 agree that those who want children should be married. A roadblock to a lasting marriage for many couples is having children. In America, 27% of marriages ended in divorce within 9 years of childbirth. Among cohabitating couples, a whopping 53% of couples separated within the same period. The child raising load is unevenly allocated between husbands and wives. Wives spend 104 minutes daily on child caring, men 59 minutes. Low-income mothers, with less disposable time, however, can only spend about 50 minutes daily.

Jean M. Twenge. 2017. Atria Books: New York Dr. Jean Twenge, a psychology professor, has coined the term iGen to describe the age cohort of persons born after 1995. She uses 1995 because it marked the birth of the Internet. Twenge extensively researched the fundamental differences between iGen’ers and previous cohorts, particularly the Millennials (born 1980-99). After 1995 she detected substantial Internet-related behavioral shifts. We have summarized the changes into the 3 types of changes show below: positive changes, negative changes, and both positive and negative changes. For a fuller explanation of the change, we provide the page number in the book where the change is discussed. Behavioral Change Positive Changes Less premarital sex (p. 22) Less drinking alcohol (p. 36) Less fighting with parents (p.44) Greater work ethic (p. 184) Negative Changes Less working summer jobs (p. 30) Less time spent on homework (p.30) Less independence (p. 41) Suffocating parental watch (p. 43) 6 ? hours per day spent on screens (p 51) Less reading (p.60) Less able to concentrate (p. 64) Less face-to-face interaction (p. 69) More depression (p. 100) Less sleep (p. 115) Less religious activity (p. 120) Positive and Negative Changes Less driving (Less accidents; less independence p. 26) More texting (More contact; less face to face interaction (p. 50) More individualistic; less community based. Predictably, the extent of negative behaviors outweighs the positive. Like many a researcher, she has done and excellent job discussing the challenges facing a typical iGen’er but falls short prescribing effective solution. In a radio interview with Teri Gross on NPR, she shared that with her daughter’s acquiescence, she had been able to limit her daughter’s screen usage, but that with her daughter now turning 13, the challenge will vastly intensify.

Want to know what you will get out of each chapter of our ebook? Below we break down the skills, by chapter, that you will walk away with. | WORKING ON ME | Chapter 1: Ideals v. Values Distinguish between your ideals versus your values Determine what you and your spouse value Write your own epitaph Chapter 2: Personality Styles Identify your personality style (Friendly Helper, Strong Achiever, Logical Thinker) Evaluate how you and your spouse’s personality style affects your marriage, both pro and con Chapter 3: Myers-Briggs (MB) Learn the 8 MB preferences (Extrovert/Introvert, Sensor/Intuiter,Thinker/Feeler, Judger/Perceiver) Identify your MB type Evaluate how you and your spouse’s respective MB types affect your relationship positively and negatively Learn to how to typewatch others Chapter 4: The Enneagram Identify your main Enneagram type Learn the virtues and the challenges of each of your Enneagram types Evaluate how you and your spouse’s Enneagram types affect your relationship positively and negatively Chapter 5: The Eight Intelligences Learn the theory of multiple intelligences Learn what each intelligence is Determine you and your spouse’s strongest and weakest intelligence Appreciate more your spouse’s God given intelligences Evaluate how you and your spouse’s intelligences affect your relationship positively and negatively Chapter 6: Masculine and Feminine Sides Learn the difference between masculine and feminine characteristics Assess how masculine and feminine you are Appreciate the value of being integrated with your masculine and feminine sides Plan to develop both sides Chapter 7: Time Management Learn how others in our society spend their time Evaluate how you spend your time and how your relationship is affected With your spouse, enforce limits on your children’s’ screen time Evaluate the extent and quality of your family’s rituals Chapter 8: The Five Love Languages Learn what each love language is Identify your primary love language Identify ways you are, and are not, filling your spouse’s lovetank Identify concrete ways you will fill your spouse’s lovetank Chapter 9: The Drama Triangle (DT) Learn the three roles in DT (Rescuer, Victim, Persecutor) Identify the primary role you play Develop strategies to avoid being in the DT with your spouse, family and friends | WORKING ON US | Chapter 10: Communication: The Fundamentals Learn how to identify what you are feeling Learn the difference between a thought and a feeling Learn that a feeling is never right or wrong, but one’s actions are Learn how to empathize with each other’s feelings Chapter 11: Active Listening Learn how to ask your spouse if she or he can accept feedback Learn how to explain the reasons behind your questions Learn how to make an assertive statement Learn how to ask for forgiveness, not just say you are sorry Chapter 12: Conflict Management Learn how to check out an inference Learn how to explain the reason behind your questions Learn how to ask if you can give your spouse feedback Learn how to confront assertively Learn the difference between saying “I’m sorry” and asking for forgiveness | WORKING ON OUR SPIRITUAL LIVES | Chapter 13: Models of the Church Learn the strengths and weaknesses of the five models of the Catholic Church (Institutional, Mystical, Herald, Sacramental, Servant, and Sacramental) Grow in your appreciation of the Church’s amazing diversity Determine the primary model(s) to which you both ascribe How do your respective primary models affect your spiritual lives as a couple Chapter 14: The Prodigal Son Share with each other a time when you behaved like the prodigal son, the brother and the forgiving father Appreciate even more God’s unlimited love for us Chapter 15: Help, Thanks, Wow Prayers Share with each other how you pray Share with each other times when you have prayed for help; given thanks; and had a “wow” prayerful experience. Chapter 16: The Sacrament of Matrimony and its Graces Internalize that God calls each couple to be a living sign of His love for us Recall what the priest meant to each of you on your wedding day and what he means now Recall what the Sacrament of Matrimony meant to each of you on your wedding day and what it means now Internalize that God calls us make our marriage the number one priority in our lives Identify a way that you can take your sacramental love out to the community Assess the changes you have to make to more fully live out God’s sacramental call Appreciate the graces that God gives us the graces to live out His call

Two-thirds of parents have not established rules about how much time children should spend on screens. Rules are needed, but they should be followed by parents as well because Children learn by example. When parents are screen-free, they let their children know they that they have undivided attention. Experts advise the following screen usage ground rules: 1. No Electronics for Little Ones. Per the Academy of Pediatrics, infants under 2 should not be exposed to any electronic media and usage by those aged 3-5 should be restricted to 1 hour per day. This restriction is needed because overexposure to handheld devices (e.g., cell phones, tablets, electronic games) is associated with attention deficit, cognitive delays, impaired learning and decreased ability to self-regulate (e.g., tantrums). 2. Limit All Children’s Per-Day Screen Time. One in three children enters school developmentally delayed. Excessive use of technology by children under the age of 12 is detrimental to child development and learning. 3. Limit Children’s Caretakers Screen Time. In 2016 a 20% increase in pediatric emergency-room injuries is largely attributed to caretakers’ failure to pay full attention to the children they are supposed to be watching. 4. Screen-Free Commute Time. Taking children to and from schools is an opportune time zone for rich interaction between parents and kids. 5. Decompress with Screen-Free Time. The first hour after parents get home from work should be an unplugged period for everyone, so the family can reconnect interpersonally. 6. Screen-Free Meal Time. Neither parents nor children should use devices when the family dines. 7. Screen-Free Bed Time. No devices one hour before bed time. (Brody 2015b) The resources below provide excellent guides to parents wishing to regulate digital media: Brody, Jane (2015b). “Limit Children’s Screen Time and Your Own.” New York Times . July 14. Steven Gortmaker and Kaley Skapinsky. Outsmarting the Smart Screens: A Parent’s Guide to the Tools that are Here to Help. Dr. Catherine Steiner-Adair. The Big Disconnect: Protecting Childhood and Family Relationships in the Digital Age. Susan Stiffelman. Parenting with a Presence.

The body content of your Now a too neglected, but extremely important ritual, is eating an evening family meal. A family meal has three features. First, all family members attend. Second, the TV, mobiles and pads are turned off for the duration of the meal. To avoid dreaded telemarketers who prey on us at meal time, unhook the phone if you have a land line. Third, each family member shares his or her day with the family. In our family, family members share on these questions. What was the best thing that happened to you today? What was the most challenging thing that happened to you today? What did you learn today? What are you most thankful for today? What was the best thing that happened as being part of this family today? What did you do to make the world a little better place today?