Digital Dating
How do today’s couples meet? In our day, many eons ago, couples mostly met in college or high school, in bars, at church or at work. As a non-churchgoer, Charlie mostly met ladies in pubs or went on “blind” dates with decidedly mixed results. Marty dated guys in college and fellow teachers after graduation. In our day, the pressure was great to be engaged before graduation from college. Ladies not engaged by then were deemed “old maids.” Far different now, the average guy and woman marry at age 32 and 28, respectively.
Also changed is how couples meet. Most commonly they met at work, in high school, in college, in church, or in a pub, but the dating scene dramatically changed in 1995 when Netscape launched its dating site—match.com. In the 2010’s online dating apps moved from the laptop to the phone. In 2013 the app, Tinder, enabled one to simply swipe right for “yes” or left for “no” as to express one’s or lack thereof. A phone-based app is more immediate, personal, and public than using a keyboard.
Initially, many couples felt embarrassed that they had met online. Now, however, with its increased incidence, most couples feel comfortable sharing that they met online. More commonplace, the percentage of couples who met via the Internet grew from 0% in 1995 to 22% in 2010 with the methods below decreasing:
- Via a mutual friend—38% to 28%
- Via a high school friend--10% to 2%
- Via a fellow church member—8% to 2%.
Remaining mostly the same were couples who met in met in bars/restaurants (22%) and college (10%).
Notable findings regarding digital dating include,
- Couples who met through online services are slightly more satisfied than those who meet by the other means.
- More mixed-race couples meet online than by more traditional dating methods
- Men liked 60% of the women they met digitally, whereas women liked just 6% of the men.
- The least attractive women are as desirable to men as are the most attractive men to women.
- Men’s desirability of women is highest at age 18, but after that declines. In contrast, women’s desirability of men does not decrease until men are 50.
- For many, trawling for matches is exhaustingly frustrating, and 5% of men never match.
Source: The data are drawn from Putting the Data into Dating, (2018), The Economist (Volume 428, Number 9105)
Marty and Charlie Coe
have 35 years of Marriage Preparation and Enrichment Experience. They have written a book of exercises and insights to help you in your marriage. LOVE IS A DECISION
is available as a downloadable pdf file at http://www.decide2love.com.
It is with great sadness that I share the news that Charlie has passed. Charlie & Marty have been an inspiration to so many people whom their lives have touched. May we remember and share the love that he so freely gave and keep Marty and Lincoln in our prayers. He is dancing in heaven with his daughter Heidi now. https://www.dignitymemorial.com/obituaries/raleigh-nc/charles-coe-9028718
“In this sense, it is less a matter of searching for God than of allowing oneself to be found by Him in all of life’s situations, where He does not cease to pass and where He allows Himself to be recognized once He has really passed.” James Martin. 2010. The Jesuit Guide to (Almost) Everything. New York: Harper Collins. P. 98. (Marty) Two weeks ago we flew to Tucson, Arizona for a 9-day exploration of Southwest Arizona, five days of which was on a tour conducted by the Road Scholar organization. Upon our return home, we stumbled on this quote above, which prompted us to reflect on how God found us on our trip. We realized that God found us through experiences, nature, places, people, and via the Holy Spirit. Let us share how God was present to us. Finding God in Experiences (Marty) I found God at the Tucson Rodeo in the singing of the national anthem with a group of very strong patriots standing under the huge Arizona blue sky. My heart was filled with love for my country. I was also moved at the sight of the horseback riders in the arena bearing the flags of all the branches of the armed services. There was such a strong sense of gratitude for all the men and women in the military. (Charlie) I found God singing old cowboy songs played by a local cowboy guitar guy. “Home, home on the Range, ”Back in the Saddle Again,” “Riders in the Sky,” “Cool Water, “were among the songs that reminded me of my youth and my favorite cowboys like Roy Rogers, Gene Autry, and especially Lash Larue. Now please take time to reflect on a recent experience in which God found you. Finding God in Nature (Marty) I loved seeing and being surrounded by as many different plants and trees. Having four mountain ranges surrounding the city gave me a feeling of awe and grandeur. Honestly, I could see a vision of Don Quixote in the Saguaro cactus plants tall arms. (Charlie) I am totally color blind, so the world is mostly green to me. But watching the sun rise over the mountain ranges in a bright color, maybe yellow, touched me. I thanked God for making Himself clear even to disabled me. On another occasion, we took a tram up Sabino Canyon, dwarfed by sheer mountains on each side. I felt humbled, awed, and for some reason a bit scared. Finally, we had the area’s first rain in a long time. Every drop is precious there, just as is every second of our lives. Now please take time to remember a recent time when God found you through nature. Finding God in Places (Marty) I found God, or He found me, in the historic Church of San Xavier Del Bac founded by the Jesuit Priest, Fr. Kano, in 1692 located on an Indians Reservation south of Tucson and rebuilt by the Franciscans in 1785. Called the “White Dove of the Desert,” filled with saints and angels, the church is lovingly being restored by volunteers. (Charlie). God found me at the Presidio, the restored Spanish fort in downtown Tucson. I sat on a bed in a little dirt-floored room where the temperature averages 105 degrees in the summer, over 1,000 miles from home, facing understandably irate Apaches. Now please take time to reflect on a place where God recently found you. Finding God in People: Every Human is a sacrament—a Child of God. (Marty) I found God in the young service workers in Tucson taking such pride in their efforts to serve us. For example, (1) Andrea the receptionist at the hotel, after 10 straight exhausting days at the hotel, still kind, laughing and smiling, (2) the workers at the bakery restaurant excited to serve us and telling us about their second, new location at the airport, (3) Marcus doing his first blood draw on me in the ER room. Not knowing it was his first, I said “You must have done lots of these and he replied “Nope it’s my first” (P.S. He did great) (4) Jayson who was so proud that he had left his job as an auto mechanic to become a Nurse Tech and serve people. (Charlie) We knew the tour group, formerly called, Elder Hostel, would be old, but not that old -- yet every person was a warrior, never complaining, never late, intellectually curious. Here are some notable examples (1) Alysa—blind from birth with her friend Brian who was her eyes and their amazing seeing eye dog, Carmel; (2) slumped over Bill and Susan his bride of 62 years, (3) Brenda, who fell on her face just before leaving for the airport; but who put an ice pack on her black and blue face that the flight attendants replenished; Diane, who could not get a cab to take her to the airport because of blizzard conditions in Chicago but somehow made it; and Barb who had been hit while riding her bike severely injuring her arm that she had to painfully rehab during the trip. God found me through the undaunted courage of these and other folks. Now please take time to remember a person or persons in whom God is indelibly present to you. Finding God Through the Holy Spirit (Charlie) Sometimes things happen that are just too coincidental to attribute to random chance, kismet, or luck. Rather, Marty and I attribute them to the Holy Spirit creating opportunities to love others. For example, at the tour group’s last function, a closing dinner, a lady somehow figured out we had made a Marriage Encounter Weekend. She and her husband had dialogued for many years. After her husband died, she deeply regretted having earlier thrown out their many dialogue books. Also, somehow, we had long talks with Jean, who like us, has a son on the autism spectrum. In sum, we are called to be alert to the many ways that God finds us every day either instantly or once He has passed. This continuing awareness of God’s presence in our lives strengthens our faith and helps us to live our lives to the utmost. Now please take time to remember a recent time you experienced God through the Holy Spirit.
At the heart of a decision to love is the willingness to make a compromise. Deciding to love is not gritting our teeth and giving in to our spouse; rather it is a loving compromise with which both feel comfortable. After 50+ years of marriage, we have made loving compromises with respect to:
The Economist (2017). November 25, 2017 In November The Economist published a special supplement on the state of marriage throughout the world. While we will mostly be discussing marriage in the U.S; we highly recommend reading the supplement in full to understand the fascinating international similarities and differences. In Western countries, marriage historically constituted an essential step in the road to full adulthood. Marriage rested on the premise that the married couple formed a household with the male as the primary breadwinner. Marriage was deemed inevitable and happened at an early age. For instance, in the 1950s and 1960s, the average American bride was too young to drink alcohol at her own wedding. Both Marty and I had two sisters who married under intense social and economic pressure upon graduation from college. Tragically, each sister divorced. Now, the global trend is to marry later when more financially and professionally secure. For instance, the average marital age is 32 in Norway, 31 in England, and 30 in the U.S. Older, couples are more financially secure, so wedding gifts become less paramount. Among the well-off, the” destination wedding” at an exotic location is in vogue. However, the price for waiting to marry may be being unable to have the number of children desired. In the U.S. and many countries, having children has become unmoored from marriage. In 2015 40% of American babies were born to unwed, often low-income mothers. In France, the unwed mother rate is 59%, in Columbia an astounding 84%. In Great Britain, only 21% of those aged between 15 and 24 agree that those who want children should be married. A roadblock to a lasting marriage for many couples is having children. In America, 27% of marriages ended in divorce within 9 years of childbirth. Among cohabitating couples, a whopping 53% of couples separated within the same period. The child raising load is unevenly allocated between husbands and wives. Wives spend 104 minutes daily on child caring, men 59 minutes. Low-income mothers, with less disposable time, however, can only spend about 50 minutes daily.
WHITE OAK COMMUNICATIONS, LLC
6713 Candlewood Drive
Raleigh, North Carolina 27612
919.676.5707