Love is a Decision

In Loving Memory

Sat, 08 Feb 2020 22:52:32 GMT

It is with great sadness that I share the news that Charlie has passed. Charlie & Marty have been an inspiration to so many people whom their lives have touched. May we remember and share the love that he so freely gave and keep Marty and Lincoln in our prayers. He is dancing in heaven with his daughter Heidi now.

https://www.dignitymemorial.com/obituaries/raleigh-nc/charles-coe-9028718

Digital Dating

Tue, 30 Oct 2018 04:00:00 GMT

How do today’s couples meet? In our day, many eons ago, couples mostly met in college or high school, in bars, at church or at work. As a non-churchgoer, Charlie mostly met ladies in pubs or went on “blind” dates with decidedly mixed results. Marty dated guys in college and fellow teachers after graduation. In our day, the pressure was great to be engaged before graduation from college. Ladies not engaged by then were deemed “old maids.” Far different now, the average guy and woman marry at age 32 and 28, respectively.

Also changed is how couples meet. Most commonly they met at work, in high school, in college, in church, or in a pub, but the dating scene dramatically changed in 1995 when Netscape launched its dating site—match.com. In the 2010’s online dating apps moved from the laptop to the phone. In 2013 the app, Tinder, enabled one to simply swipe right for “yes” or left for “no” as to express one’s or lack thereof. A phone-based app is more immediate, personal, and public than using a keyboard.

Initially, many couples felt embarrassed that they had met online. Now, however, with its increased incidence, most couples feel comfortable sharing that they met online. More commonplace, the percentage of couples who met via the Internet grew from 0% in 1995 to 22% in 2010 with the methods below decreasing:

Via a mutual friend—38% to 28%
Via a high school friend--10% to 2%
Via a fellow church member—8% to 2%.

Remaining mostly the same were couples who met in met in bars/restaurants (22%) and college (10%).

Notable findings regarding digital dating include,

Couples who met through online services are slightly more satisfied than those who meet by the other means.
More mixed-race couples meet online than by more traditional dating methods
Men liked 60% of the women they met digitally, whereas women liked just 6% of the men.
The least attractive women are as desirable to men as are the most attractive men to women.
Men’s desirability of women is highest at age 18, but after that declines. In contrast, women’s desirability of men does not decrease until men are 50.
For many, trawling for matches is exhaustingly frustrating, and 5% of men never match.

In our marriage preparation work, we are quite struck by how few of the couples would have met through traditional dating methods. For example, the daughter of good friends met her future husband while he was serving on a Navy ship in the North Atlantic.

Source: The data are drawn from Putting the Data into Dating, (2018), The Economist (Volume 428, Number 9105)

Finding God in All Things

Fri, 16 Mar 2018 04:00:00 GMT

“In this sense, it is less a matter of searching for God than of allowing oneself to be found by Him in all of life’s situations, where He does not cease to pass and where He allows Himself to be recognized once He has really passed.”

James Martin. 2010. The Jesuit Guide to (Almost) Everything.

New York: Harper Collins. P. 98.

(Marty) Two weeks ago we flew to Tucson, Arizona for a 9-day exploration of Southwest Arizona, five days of which was on a tour conducted by the Road Scholar organization. Upon our return home, we stumbled on this quote above, which prompted us to reflect on how God found us on our trip. We realized that God found us through experiences, nature, places, people, and via the Holy Spirit. Let us share how God was present to us.

Finding God in Experiences

(Marty) I found God at the Tucson Rodeo in the singing of the national anthem with a group of very strong patriots standing under the huge Arizona blue sky. My heart was filled with love for my country. I was also moved at the sight of the horseback riders in the arena bearing the flags of all the branches of the armed services. There was such a strong sense of gratitude for all the men and women in the military.

(Charlie) I found God singing old cowboy songs played by a local cowboy guitar guy. “Home, home on the Range, ”Back in the Saddle Again,” “Riders in the Sky,” “Cool Water, “were among the songs that reminded me of my youth and my favorite cowboys like Roy Rogers, Gene Autry, and especially Lash Larue.

Now please take time to reflect on a recent experience in which God found you.

Finding God in Nature

(Marty) I loved seeing and being surrounded by as many different plants and trees. Having four mountain ranges surrounding the city gave me a feeling of awe and grandeur. Honestly, I could see a vision of Don Quixote in the Saguaro cactus plants tall arms.

(Charlie) I am totally color blind, so the world is mostly green to me. But watching the sun rise over the mountain ranges in a bright color, maybe yellow, touched me. I thanked God for making Himself clear even to disabled me. On another occasion, we took a tram up Sabino Canyon, dwarfed by sheer mountains on each side. I felt humbled, awed, and for some reason a bit scared. Finally, we had the area’s first rain in a long time. Every drop is precious there, just as is every second of our lives.

Now please take time to remember a recent time when God found you through nature.

Finding God in Places

(Marty) I found God, or He found me, in the historic Church of San Xavier Del Bac founded by the Jesuit Priest, Fr. Kano, in 1692 located on an Indians Reservation south of Tucson and rebuilt by the Franciscans in 1785. Called the “White Dove of the Desert,” filled with saints and angels, the church is lovingly being restored by volunteers.

(Charlie). God found me at the Presidio, the restored Spanish fort in downtown Tucson. I sat on a bed in a little dirt-floored room where the temperature averages 105 degrees in the summer, over 1,000 miles from home, facing understandably irate Apaches.

Now please take time to reflect on a place where God recently found you.

Finding God in People: Every Human is a sacrament—a Child of God.

(Marty) I found God in the young service workers in Tucson taking such pride in their efforts to serve us. For example, (1) Andrea the receptionist at the hotel, after 10 straight exhausting days at the hotel, still kind, laughing and smiling, (2) the workers at the bakery restaurant excited to serve us and telling us about their second, new location at the airport, (3) Marcus doing his first blood draw on me in the ER room. Not knowing it was his first, I said “You must have done lots of these and he replied “Nope it’s my first” (P.S. He did great) (4) Jayson who was so proud that he had left his job as an auto mechanic to become a Nurse Tech and serve people.

(Charlie) We knew the tour group, formerly called, Elder Hostel, would be old, but not that old -- yet every person was a warrior, never complaining, never late, intellectually curious. Here are some notable examples (1) Alysa—blind from birth with her friend Brian who was her eyes and their amazing seeing eye dog, Carmel; (2) slumped over Bill and Susan his bride of 62 years, (3) Brenda, who fell on her face just before leaving for the airport; but who put an ice pack on her black and blue face that the flight attendants replenished; Diane, who could not get a cab to take her to the airport because of blizzard conditions in Chicago but somehow made it; and Barb who had been hit while riding her bike severely injuring her arm that she had to painfully rehab during the trip. God found me through the undaunted courage of these and other folks.

Now please take time to remember a person or persons in whom God is indelibly present to you.

Finding God Through the Holy Spirit

(Charlie) Sometimes things happen that are just too coincidental to attribute to random chance, kismet, or luck. Rather, Marty and I attribute them to the Holy Spirit creating opportunities to love others. For example, at the tour group’s last function, a closing dinner, a lady somehow figured out we had made a Marriage Encounter Weekend. She and her husband had dialogued for many years. After her husband died, she deeply regretted having earlier thrown out their many dialogue books.

Also, somehow, we had long talks with Jean, who like us, has a son on the autism spectrum.

In sum, we are called to be alert to the many ways that God finds us every day either instantly or once He has passed. This continuing awareness of God’s presence in our lives strengthens our faith and helps us to live our lives to the utmost.

Now please take time to remember a recent time you experienced God through the Holy Spirit.

I Gen

Thu, 15 Feb 2018 05:00:00 GMT

Jean M. Twenge. 2017. Atria Books: New York

Dr. Jean Twenge, a psychology professor, has coined the term iGen to describe the age cohort of persons born after 1995. She uses 1995 because it marked the birth of the Internet. Twenge extensively researched the fundamental differences between iGen’ers and previous cohorts, particularly the Millennials (born 1980-99). After 1995 she detected substantial Internet-related behavioral shifts. We have summarized the changes into the 3 types of changes show below: positive changes, negative changes, and both positive and negative changes. For a fuller explanation of the change, we provide the page number in the book where the change is discussed.

Behavioral Change

Positive Changes

Less premarital sex (p. 22)
Less drinking alcohol (p. 36)
Less fighting with parents (p.44)
Greater work ethic (p. 184)

Negative Changes

Less working summer jobs (p. 30)
Less time spent on homework (p.30)
Less independence (p. 41)
Suffocating parental watch (p. 43)
6 ? hours per day spent on screens (p 51)
Less reading (p.60)
Less able to concentrate (p. 64)
Less face-to-face interaction (p. 69)
More depression (p. 100)
Less sleep (p. 115)
Less religious activity (p. 120)

Positive and Negative Changes

Less driving (Less accidents; less independence p. 26)
More texting (More contact; less face to face interaction (p. 50)
More individualistic; less community based.

Predictably, the extent of negative behaviors outweighs the positive. Like many a researcher, she has done and excellent job discussing the challenges facing a typical iGen’er but falls short prescribing effective solution. In a radio interview with Teri Gross on NPR, she shared that with her daughter’s acquiescence, she had been able to limit her daughter’s screen usage, but that with her daughter now turning 13, the challenge will vastly intensify.

A Looser Knot

Thu, 15 Feb 2018 05:00:00 GMT

The Economist (2017). November 25, 2017

In November The Economist published a special supplement on the state of marriage throughout the world. While we will mostly be discussing marriage in the U.S; we highly recommend reading the supplement in full to understand the fascinating international similarities and differences.

In Western countries, marriage historically constituted an essential step in the road to full adulthood. Marriage rested on the premise that the married couple formed a household with the male as the primary breadwinner. Marriage was deemed inevitable and happened at an early age. For instance, in the 1950s and 1960s, the average American bride was too young to drink alcohol at her own wedding. Both Marty and I had two sisters who married under intense social and economic pressure upon graduation from college. Tragically, each sister divorced.

Now, the global trend is to marry later when more financially and professionally secure. For instance, the average marital age is 32 in Norway, 31 in England, and 30 in the U.S. Older, couples are more financially secure, so wedding gifts become less paramount. Among the well-off, the” destination wedding” at an exotic location is in vogue. However, the price for waiting to marry may be being unable to have the number of children desired.

In the U.S. and many countries, having children has become unmoored from marriage. In 2015 40% of American babies were born to unwed, often low-income mothers. In France, the unwed mother rate is 59%, in Columbia an astounding 84%. In Great Britain, only 21% of those aged between 15 and 24 agree that those who want children should be married.

A roadblock to a lasting marriage for many couples is having children. In America, 27% of marriages ended in divorce within 9 years of childbirth. Among cohabitating couples, a whopping 53% of couples separated within the same period.

The child raising load is unevenly allocated between husbands and wives. Wives spend 104 minutes daily on child caring, men 59 minutes. Low-income mothers, with less disposable time, however, can only spend about 50 minutes daily.

Love is a Decision - Compromise

Thu, 15 Feb 2018 05:00:00 GMT

At the heart of a decision to love is the willingness to make a compromise. Deciding to love is not gritting our teeth and giving in to our spouse; rather it is a loving compromise with which both feel comfortable. After 50+ years of marriage, we have made loving compromises with respect to:

Some areas of our relationship are, however, sacrosanct. We are in total agreement regarding:

Having a family meal in the evening if at all possible.
Attending church services weekly
Praying individually and as couple in thanks and supplication
Reaching out to our family members and friends
Regularly exercising
Reaching out to those in need economically, mentally and spiritually.
Every day being a gift from God
God calling each person to develop his and her gifts.
Being on the same page regarding a child disciplinary action
Asking for forgiveness.

Love is a Decision - Take Away Skills from Each Chapter

Mon, 27 Feb 2017 05:00:00 GMT

Want to know what you will get out of each chapter of our ebook? Below we break down the skills, by chapter, that you will walk away with.

| WORKING ON ME |

Chapter 1: Ideals v. Values

Distinguish between your ideals versus your values
Determine what you and your spouse value
Write your own epitaph

Chapter 2: Personality Styles

Identify your personality style (Friendly Helper, Strong Achiever, Logical Thinker)
Evaluate how you and your spouse’s personality style affects your marriage, both pro and con

Chapter 3: Myers-Briggs (MB)

Learn the 8 MB preferences (Extrovert/Introvert, Sensor/Intuiter,Thinker/Feeler, Judger/Perceiver)
Identify your MB type
Evaluate how you and your spouse’s respective MB types affect your relationship positively and negatively
Learn to how to typewatch others

Chapter 4: The Enneagram

Identify your main Enneagram type
Learn the virtues and the challenges of each of your Enneagram types
Evaluate how you and your spouse’s Enneagram types affect your relationship positively and negatively

Chapter 5: The Eight Intelligences

Learn the theory of multiple intelligences
Learn what each intelligence is
Determine you and your spouse’s strongest and weakest intelligence
Appreciate more your spouse’s God given intelligences
Evaluate how you and your spouse’s intelligences affect your relationship positively and negatively

Chapter 6: Masculine and Feminine Sides

Learn the difference between masculine and feminine characteristics
Assess how masculine and feminine you are
Appreciate the value of being integrated with your masculine and feminine sides
Plan to develop both sides

Chapter 7: Time Management

Learn how others in our society spend their time
Evaluate how you spend your time and how your relationship is affected
With your spouse, enforce limits on your children’s’ screen time
Evaluate the extent and quality of your family’s rituals

Chapter 8: The Five Love Languages

Learn what each love language is
Identify your primary love language
Identify ways you are, and are not, filling your spouse’s lovetank
Identify concrete ways you will fill your spouse’s lovetank

Chapter 9: The Drama Triangle (DT)

Learn the three roles in DT (Rescuer, Victim, Persecutor)
Identify the primary role you play
Develop strategies to avoid being in the DT with your spouse, family and friends

| WORKING ON US |

Chapter 10: Communication: The Fundamentals

Learn how to identify what you are feeling
Learn the difference between a thought and a feeling
Learn that a feeling is never right or wrong, but one’s actions are
Learn how to empathize with each other’s feelings

Chapter 11: Active Listening

Learn how to ask your spouse if she or he can accept feedback
Learn how to explain the reasons behind your questions
Learn how to make an assertive statement
Learn how to ask for forgiveness, not just say you are sorry

Chapter 12: Conflict Management

Learn how to check out an inference
Learn how to explain the reason behind your questions
Learn how to ask if you can give your spouse feedback
Learn how to confront assertively
Learn the difference between saying “I’m sorry” and asking for forgiveness

| WORKING ON OUR SPIRITUAL LIVES |

Chapter 13: Models of the Church

Learn the strengths and weaknesses of the five models of the Catholic Church (Institutional, Mystical, Herald, Sacramental, Servant, and Sacramental)
Grow in your appreciation of the Church’s amazing diversity
Determine the primary model(s) to which you both ascribe
How do your respective primary models affect your spiritual lives as a couple

Chapter 14: The Prodigal Son

Share with each other a time when you behaved like the prodigal son, the brother and the forgiving father
Appreciate even more God’s unlimited love for us

Chapter 15: Help, Thanks, Wow Prayers

Share with each other how you pray
Share with each other times when you have prayed for help;
given thanks; and had a “wow” prayerful experience.

Chapter 16: The Sacrament of Matrimony and its Graces

Internalize that God calls each couple to be a living sign of His love for us
Recall what the priest meant to each of you on your wedding day and what he means now
Recall what the Sacrament of Matrimony meant to each of you on your wedding day and what it means now
Internalize that God calls us make our marriage the number one priority in our lives
Identify a way that you can take your sacramental love out to the community
Assess the changes you have to make to more fully live out God’s sacramental call
Appreciate the graces that God gives us the graces to live out His call

Family Screen Time Ground Rules

Tue, 21 Feb 2017 05:00:00 GMT

Two-thirds of parents have not established rules about how much time children should spend on screens. Rules are needed, but they should be followed by parents as well because Children learn by example. When parents are screen-free, they let their children know they that they have undivided attention. Experts advise the following screen usage ground rules:

1. No Electronics for Little Ones.

Per the Academy of Pediatrics, infants under 2 should not be exposed to any electronic media and usage by those aged 3-5 should be restricted to 1 hour per day. This restriction is needed because overexposure to handheld devices (e.g., cell phones, tablets, electronic games) is associated with attention deficit, cognitive delays, impaired learning and decreased ability to self-regulate (e.g., tantrums).

2. Limit All Children’s Per-Day Screen Time.

One in three children enters school developmentally delayed. Excessive use of technology by children under the age of 12 is detrimental to child development and learning.

3. Limit Children’s Caretakers Screen Time.

In 2016 a 20% increase in pediatric emergency-room injuries is largely attributed to caretakers’ failure to pay full attention to the children they are supposed to be watching.

4. Screen-Free Commute Time.

Taking children to and from schools is an opportune time zone for rich interaction between parents and kids.

5. Decompress with Screen-Free Time.

The first hour after parents get home from work should be an unplugged period for everyone, so the family can reconnect interpersonally.

6. Screen-Free Meal Time.

Neither parents nor children should use devices when the family dines.

7. Screen-Free Bed Time.

No devices one hour before bed time. (Brody 2015b)

The resources below provide excellent guides to parents wishing to regulate digital media:

Brody, Jane (2015b). “Limit Children’s Screen Time and Your Own.” New York Times . July 14.
Steven Gortmaker and Kaley Skapinsky. Outsmarting the Smart Screens: A Parent’s Guide to the Tools that are Here to Help.
Dr. Catherine Steiner-Adair. The Big Disconnect: Protecting Childhood and Family Relationships in the Digital Age.
Susan Stiffelman. Parenting with a Presence.

The Family Meal

Mon, 13 Feb 2017 05:00:00 GMT

The body content of your Now a too neglected, but extremely important ritual, is eating an evening family meal. A family meal has three features. First, all family members attend. Second, the TV, mobiles and pads are turned off for the duration of the meal. To avoid dreaded telemarketers who prey on us at meal time, unhook the phone if you have a land line. Third, each family member shares his or her day with the family. In our family, family members share on these questions.

What was the best thing that happened to you today?
What was the most challenging thing that happened to you today?
What did you learn today?
What are you most thankful for today?
What was the best thing that happened as being part of this family today?
What did you do to make the world a little better place today?

Using Myers Briggs (MB) to Grow in Love - Part 4 of 4

Mon, 06 Feb 2017 05:00:00 GMT

JUDGERS (Js) V. PERCEIVERS (Ps)

Judgers (Js) like to plan ahead. They keep a list of what they have to do. Js relish crossing items off their list. Indeed. after finishing a task not on their list, they often put it on to enjoy crossing it off. Perceivers (Ps), on the other hand, don’t like, even abhor, lists. Even if they keep a list they often forget to look at it. When you think of a P, think of one word: Procrastinator. They like to wait until the last moment to finish a task. For example, Charlie, a master P, cannot even decide what to order from a menu until pressured by a waitress at the last second.

Planning for a Trip

When Marty, a super J, plans for a trip, it is a highly involved, tense exercise, not unlike the invasion of Normandy. She begins planning at least a week in advance. Honestly, she has about 75 things on her list, which includes packing and planning. Charlie, the super P, never has a list. He waits to pack until just before they are about to leave. His one planning concession is that having been shut out on accommodations in the past, he does make lodging reservations.

For years, on almost every trip, Charlie forgets something to pack. On one trip, for instance, he forgot to pack his socks and underwear (what did he pack?). When he forgot something, he would blame Marty. Too many years went by until Marty finally laid down the law. She would never again be responsible for his packing. Since then, Charlie continues to forget items. For example, just before going to a wedding, he had forgotten to pack a tie. In this case, he was saved by a nearby Walmart as often happens.

J and P Differences

We believe that married couples who sharply differ on the J and P dimension often face misunderstanding and discord. Not knowing they are hard-wired differently, over time the J understandably comes to believe that his or her procrastinating P spouse is just rude and uncaring. Conversely, the P thinks that his or her wound too tight spouse doesn’t want to have any fun. After realizing and appreciating their different orientations, they can find loving compromises. For instance, Charlie keeps a list though does not reference it religiously. Likewise compromising, Marty is willing to add, at Charlie’s urging, something fun her daily “to-do” list.

PUTTING MB INTO PRACTICE

We hope the foregoing examples shown how useful MB can be to help build a loving marriage and family life. No matter what the combination of a couple’s MB preferences, there are the possibilities to complement and frustrate each other, as shown below.

Viewing your respective MB types, how do you complement and frustrate each other on the four MB dimensions? What compromises should you make to enrich your marriage?

Using Myers Briggs (MB) to Grow in Love - Part 3 of 4

Tue, 08 Nov 2016 05:00:00 GMT

THINKERS (Ts) V. FEELERS (Fs)

Let’s be very clear, thinkers (Ts) have feelings and feelers (Fs) use their logic. However, when making decisions, Ts rely more on logic; Fs rely more on how people will be affected by a decision. Let us give some examples of how the T and F preferences have shaped our family’s decisions.

How Much to Charge?

In our family, we had three Fs (Charlie, Marty, and Heidi) and one T (Lincoln). Let us share with you two instances when these decision-making preferences came into play. When Lincoln was about 10 and Heidi 13, we read in our church bulletin that a young woman was seeking lodging in a Catholic home. Upon meeting her, we found out that Kim was a Vietnamese refugee. Her father had been a Colonel in the South Vietnamese Army and had been imprisoned after the fall of Saigon. Under harrowing circumstances, he, his wife and six children escaped to the United States. Her father and mother then operating the Lutheran Family Services Vietnamese Relocation Program in Greensboro North Carolina. Kim shared with us that she had been educated in Saigon by Catholic sisters and wanted to become a Catholic, thus her desire to live in a Catholic home.

Kim had just graduated from college and had a job working in the Research Triangle. She told us that she would go home every weekend to help her parents and would give her family any extra money she earned.

The decision we faced was how much to charge Kim to rent a room with us? It is a small room without a closet, but she would have cooking privileges. Surveying prevailing single rental rates, we found out that the going rate was $300 a month. We further found out that Kim had a job as a programmer at IBM paying $32,000 a year in 1989. We pose five questions to you:

How much did the three Fs think we should charge?
How much did Lincoln, the one T, think we should charge?
How much did we charge?
How much would you charge?
Not knowing anything about MB at the time, what did I, Charlie, think of Lincoln’s decision?
Now aware of MB what do I think of his decision?

Whether to Become Foster Parents?

Not able to have more children, we decided to become foster parents. Lincoln was about 11 and Heidi 13. We went through about six weeks of intensive preparation. Upon concluding our training, the County officials told us that we could only be foster parents to a girl because boys were not available. They also told us that because most girls had been sexually abused Charlie could never be left in the home alone with our foster daughter. Moreover, the family could not hug their foster daughter who might get a wrong impression. We were taken aback with the news but decided to go ahead pending the approval of Heidi and Lincoln. Heidi, a strong F, agreed that we should be foster parents. Lincoln, an equally strong T, said that he did not think it was a good idea. He assured us that the decision was up to us but he was not supportive. By this time, we were using MB in our family. Lincoln had helped us in the past by bringing his T to family decisions. We respected his input and did not become foster parents, which turned out to be a very good decision because shortly thereafter Heidi suffered from erratic, strong, confused bipolar symptoms. Dealing with her challenges and being foster parents would have surely unduly strained our family. Thereafter, we always sound out Lincoln's point of view, balancing his T preferences with our F orientation.

Whether to Pass Billy?

Many have to make tough people decisions every day. For instance, supervisors must decide whether to discipline an employee and if so to what extent? Parents must decide to what extent they should exercise tough love letting their children learn from their mistakes. Let us share an instance where Marty had to make such a tough decision. As a social studies teacher, Marty taught students at all ends of the educational spectrum. Without parental support and encouragement, many of Marty’s students did not consistently complete their homework or pass the tests. Some students had jobs at the end of the school day; others were even ridiculed by friends for taking their books home. In this particular instance, Marty had to fail Billy, a really nice kid who just did not do his homework or pass the tests. The next year, Marty was surprised that Billy had signed up for her class again! Yet again Billy did not do his homework or pass his tests, Billy was now a senior. If Marty passed Billy, he could graduate. Two of his school counselors strongly urged Marty to pass him.

We gave this scenario to 10 teachers: five Fs and five Ts asking them what they would have done.

What did the Ts say they would have done?
What did the Fs say they would have done?
What did Marty do?
What would you have done?

Using Myers Briggs (MB) to Grow in Love - Part 2 of 4

Mon, 31 Oct 2016 04:00:00 GMT

SENSORs (Ss) V. INTUITIVES (Ns)

Sensors (Ss) take in information mainly by means of their five senses—seeing, hearing, touching, smelling and tasting. Intuitives (Ns), by comparison, take in information mainly through their sixth sense: intuition. Ss look at what is; Ns at what could be. Ss focus on the present and the past; Ns on the future.

When teaching MB, to demonstrate the difference between sensors and intuitors, we separate Ss and Ns into two groups We give each group an apple instructing them to write down whatever comes to mind looking at the apple. The Ss invariably describe the apple in great detail: its looks, feel, smell. They sense what is. Ns, in contrast, report what could be (e.g., apple pie, apple cider, apple fritter, etc.) and make apple associations (e.g., Johnny Appleseed, William Tell, Apple Computer, apple cider, etc.).

In our case, Marty’s S complement’s Charlie’s N. Being extremely low sensing, for example Charlie is forever forgetting where he has put things like his glasses, car keys and wallet. Marty, who takes a mental visual picture of each room in the house, kindly and patiently tells him where he last put his “lost” item.

To Pick Up or Not Pick Up the Litter?

Only married for a few months, Charlie were in Atlanta training to be VISTA volunteers to help the poor. On one day, walking through an inner city neighborhood, our trainer asked our 14-member group to pick up the litter in an alley. Charlie, the big picture N, thought this a stupid idea because the street would only become littered again in short order. He idly watched as Marty, an in-the-moment S, diligently picked up the litter. She explained to Charlie that the street would look good, if only for a short while, and what was wrong with that? Marty went on to be a very successful volunteer recruiting and training 100s of suburban housewives to volunteer part-time in the Head Start Program serving preschool children. Big picture Charlie, the N, by his own admission accomplished very little during their 1-year stint as volunteers.

What can we learn from their experience?

Using Myers Briggs (MB) to Grow in Love - Part 1 of 4

Wed, 19 Oct 2016 04:00:00 GMT

In 1942, Isabel Myers, and her daughter, Katherine Briggs, created the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI). Upset by reports of Nazi atrocities, they hoped that people would use the MBTI to understand themselves and others better. Now extremely popular, many folks have taken the Myers-Briggs (MB) test, but sadly few actually use MB to understand each other. Indeed, most forget their MB type. Our goal is to change that dynamic. We hope that you will use MB to enrich your relationship with your spouse.

To learn more about MB, we discuss it in Chapter 3 of our book, Love is a Decision: A Marriage Enrichment Handbook. Moreover, many books have been written on MB. If you don’t know, or don’t remember, your MB type, several questionnaires are on line.

Once we know our type and those of spouse and children, we need to use MB to appreciate each other’s gifts and nurture our marriage. Let us share with you some practical, every day examples of how we have used MB to enrich our marriage and family life.

Our MB types and those of our now deceased daughter, Heidi, and our son, Lincoln are.:

Charlie ENFP
Marty ISFJ
Heidi ENFJ
Lincoln ISTJ

Extraverts (Es) v. Introverts (Is)

How Many to Invite to the Party?

When you first meet Marty, you would never know she is an introvert (I). She feels comfortable talking to people. For example, she had a teaching job where she extroverted with over 150 students per day. But extroverting really tires her out. With Charlie, however, what you see is what you get. A raving extrovert (E), being with people fuels him. We thus have had to find ways to balance each other’s preferences. For example, we faced the question of how many people to invite to our 35th wedding anniversary party? To Charlie, the answer was simple: invite all our friends. Get a cake; cater some barbecue; rent some tables for the backyard; get a keg and some wine; make ice cream Sundays; and have a ball. Invite our neighbors, folks at work, friends at church; and out Marriage Encounter buddies. Give or take about 100 folks.

Predictably, Marty had a wholly different take. She wanted to invite just three couples—our very best friends. We struggled for a compromise for several months. Paring down, we decided to not invite our friends at Charlie’s work and our neighbors. We ended up inviting about 30 or so folks. Neither of us were completely happy with the result, but we had respected each other’s needs and had a great time.

To Party or to Hibernate?

When Marty went from being a stay-at-home mom back to teaching, she had quite a load, teaching five classes per day with about 30 kids per class. Every night, Monday through Thursday and on Sunday night she graded assignments and prepared lesson plans. When Friday rolled around, as an I, she was wiped out. How much socializing do you think she wanted to do on the weekend? You guessed it. She didn't particularly want to go out at all on Friday or Saturday and certainly not on Sunday when she had grading and lesson plans to do. Charlie, an E, on the other hand, did minimal teaching. He spent most his time doing introverted work at his computer. How many weekend nights did he want to socialize? You guessed it: Friday, Saturday and Sunday.

We had to find a compromise. What you think we ended up with?

Extroverts Hearing Introverts

Though we have been trying to improve our communication for many years, we still fall into miscommunication traps. Charlie, the super E, gets excited and rudely cuts Marty off in mid-sentence. Marty, an I, sometimes clams up, not sharing what she is thinking and feeling. To avoid these pitfalls, we sometimes we write a 10” love letter to each other on a topic we have mutually selected. The topic can be on any person or event. We write on the question: “How do I feel about [a person place or thing]? For example, how do I feel about the fall season coming? The writing enables Marty, an I, time to think about and express her thoughts and feelings. Charlie, the motor mouth E, cannot interrupt Marty. After up to 10 minutes writing, we spend another 10 minutes sharing what we have written.

POPE FRANCIS | AMORIS LAETITIA: ON LOVE IN THE FAMILY*

Sat, 08 Oct 2016 04:00:00 GMT

Pope Francis met with lay persons and clergy for two years in the synod process to examine the issues facing the modern family and the Church’s response to those issues. The word synod comes from the Greek meaning word for meeting and is synonymous with the Latin word meaning council. The post Synodal exhortation by Pope Francis, Amoris Laetitia, was released on April 8, 2016. The Synods’ participants formed small discussion groups some of which began by sharing their own family history. The process allowed for an examination of the situation of families in today's world. According to Pope Francis, Amoris Laetitia, was written as a help and encouragement to families in their daily commitments and challenges. He judges the Exhortation is especially timely in this Year of Mercy. The summary of the exhortation is our personal examination of the exhortation, not that of the Catholic Church. We find the exhortation to be very life-giving, optimistic, realistic and tender-hearted.

GOD’S CALL TO MARRIED COUPLES

The family is the living reflection of the Triune God (p. 15)
The parents are in some sense the foundation of the home; the children are like “the living stones (p. 17).” The family is the image of God who is the communion of persons (p. 53).
Marriage is a vocation, inasmuch as it is a response to a specific call to experience conjugal love as an imperfect sign of the love between Christ and the Church (p. 54).
“A kind look” is essential” (p. 71). The aesthetic experience of love is expressed in the “gaze,” a look of appreciation for all persons (p. 85).
Living in a family makes it very hard to feign or lie; we cannot hide behind a mask (p. 204).
The spirituality of family love is made up of thousands of small but real gestures (p. 204).

Reflection Questions**

How are parents the rocklike foundation of a family and their children the “the living stones?”
How is a family the image of God?
What does the Pope mean by a “kind look?”
What couples do you know who have that “gaze?”
Why can we not feign or lie in a family?
What are examples of the thousands of small gestures we make in a family setting?

OBSTACLES/CHALLENGES TO LIVING OUT OUR CALL

Individualistic culture caught up with possessions and pleasures (p. 28).
Marital problems confronted too hastily without patience.
We encounter problems whenever we think that relationships or people ought to be perfect, or when we put ourselves at the center…. (p. 67).
Each must set aside all illusions and accept the other as he or she actually is: an unfinished product, needing to grow, a work in progress. A persistently critical attitude towards one’s partner is a sign that marriage was not entered into as a project to be worked on together… (p. 139).
Family crises not faced together (p. 149). Conversely, few human joys are as deep and thrilling as those experienced by two people who love one another and have achieved something as the result of a great, shared effort (p. 89).
Obstacles: fear of permanent commitment, obsession with free time, pressure to not start a family, pornography and commercialization of the body (p, 32-33), exhausted parents (p. 41),
insufficient quality time to talk and listen (p. 143), entertainment media (p. 175) overuse of smart phones (p. 176).

Reflection Questions

What possessions and pleasures keep us from being a sign of Christ’s love?
Why do couples too hastily separate and divorce?
How do I unfairly think my spouse should be perfect?
How are each us, in the Pope’s words, an “unfinished product, a work in progress?”
What are personal examples of family crises that can tear us apart?”
In addition to your children, if blessed with them, what have or would the two of you like to achieve with a “great shared effort?”
“Which of the obstacles challenge you individually and as a couple?”

GRACES FOR LIVING OUT OUR CALL

Sacraments: Touched by the power of grace experienced in sacramental Reconciliation and in the Eucharist (p. 31).
Words of Affirmation: In a family three words need to be used: “Please,” “Thank You,” “Sorry.”
Acts of Service: Growth can only occur when we respond to God’s grace through constant acts of love, acts of kindness… (p. 89).
Listening: Listen patiently; don’t speak until the time is right (p. 90). Often the other spouse does not need a solution (p. 91). Put ourselves in our spouse’s shoes (p. 91).
Dialogue: Dialogue is our way of asking and responding to questions, the tone of voice we use, and any number of factors that condition how well we communicate. Dialogue is essential for experiencing, expressing and fostering love in marriage and family life (p. 90).
Forgiveness: Forgiving assumes one has had the experience of being forgiven by God, justified by his grace and not by our own efforts.
Sexuality: …seen as a gift from God that enriches the relationship (p. 98).
Community: …Jesus and his family readily interacted with the wider family, the relatives of his parents and their friends, which explains how Mary and Joseph could imagine for a whole day that the 12-year-old Jesus was somewhere in the caravan (p. 117).

Reflection Questions

How do the sacraments of Reconciliation and the Eucharist empower married couples?
How often do we use these three words— “please, thank you, sorry”—in our family?
Why is listening with our whole heart sometimes so difficult?”
Do you experience being forgiven by God?
How is our sexuality a gift from God?
How would parents react today if their child was missing for a day?

* Excerpted from: Pope Francis. 2016. Amoris Laetitia: On Love in the Family. Our Sunday Visitor Publishing Division: Huntington, Ind.

** The reflection questions and excerpted material is the work of Charlie and Marty Coe, decide2love.com

Our Call to Service: Volunteers in Service to America (VISTA)

Sun, 04 Sep 2016 04:00:00 GMT

(Charlie) Both Marty and I felt a strong call to service. Marty’s Catholic education had stressed the call to serve God. I too felt extremely thankful for the education and my upbringing. We decided that after our honeymoon we would go into VISTA, the domestic Peace Corps.

(Marty) After our VISTA training in Atlanta was completed, I was assigned to help the Head Start program for early childhood education located in Atlanta. The program needed a Director of Volunteers. The volunteers were very important in providing extra teaching support to the teachers in the year around and summer programs. I was charged with providing training to the volunteers as well as designing cultural experiences for the children. I was warmly received by church groups, radio and television outlets, charitable outreach groups and businesses. I remember vividly taking a group of children to a symphony as well as a visit to the Hyatt Hotel with an elevator in the atrium. The children had never seen an elevator that zoomed through space. They called it the “alligator.”

Because of my visibility as a volunteer coordinator, completely out-of-the blue I was asked to speak at the White House. Lady Bird Johnson, the wife of President Lyndon Johnson, was hosting a series of “women doers” luncheons at the White House. The topic for my speech was “crime in the streets.” In my speech, I told of the efforts of Vista Volunteers and others to organize local leaders in the community, particularly active church ladies, to organize against crime efforts in their neighborhoods. In her biography, White House Years, Lady Bird graciously describe me as being “well-scrubbed,” which I took as a compliment because I then had very short hair and the VISTA organization had bought me a new dress.

(Charlie) I basked in Marty’s limelight when the New York Times called me Marty, not Charlie.

I was assigned to the office of the Mayor of Atlanta, Ivan Allen, who notably was the only southern elected official to politically support passage of the 1964 Civil Rights Act. I worked for Dan Sweat, the mayor’s Chief of Staff, Dan charged me with engendering more citizen participation in the federally funded Model Cities Program (MCP). The goal of the MCP was to improve public facilities and provide job opportunities in the MCP area of about 50,000 people. The African-Americans living in the area had expressed a willingness to participate but the whites in the area were very reluctant. I talked to church leaders and persuaded a pharmacist to co-chair the effort. The leader in an all-white area, Adair Park, was Calvin Craig, the leader of the Ku Klux Klan. Still active, the Klan held gatherings in Grant Park, also part of the Model Cities area. For reasons unclear to me, Calvin agreed to participate. In so doing, he was shown on TV participating with African-Americans. Accordingly discredited by his followers, the clan thankfully disbanded.

The Marriage Proposal: Were We Crazy?

Sat, 03 Sep 2016 21:05:15 GMT

(Charlie) After our first date we had a couple more dates. I was truly stunned by Marty – – beautiful, kind, smart, faith-filled. Totally out of my league, I didn’t even try to hold her hand. Indeed, I once walked several miles across town but did not have the courage to knock on her door. I just sat outside for about an hour and went back to my apartment. Marty told me that she was going to drive to Boston to meet her former college roommate, Mary Anne. They had both been history majors and were going to tour Concord, Lexington, and the other Boston historical sites. I asked her if I could help her with the driving to Boston. I did not share with her that I was going to visit my girlfriend then working as au pair on Martha’s Vineyard Island. After our tour, we were on the ferry. Marty and Mary Anne were going to Nantucket. I had written my girlfriend several letters and she had not responded. Having a great time with the ladies, I decided to go on to Nantucket.

(Marty) After our trip to Nantucket, Mary Anne and I were invited to spend several days visiting my aunt and uncle on Cape Cod. As had become our modus operandi, we invited Charlie to come with us. On the evening before he was to leave to go to Pennsylvania for a wedding of a friend, Charlie and I took a walk on the beach overlooking the ocean. There, Charlie kissed me for the very first time and asked me to marry him! Amazingly, since I am a very serious not impulsive person, I said “yes.” To this day, I don’t know what came over me.

Our First Date: Fate, Kismet, Chance, or the Holy Spirit?

Fri, 02 Sep 2016 04:00:00 GMT

(Charlie) I was going to summer school at the University of Michigan. One of my roommates, Randy, had a date with Marty. He asked me if I want to come along and maybe Marty’s roommate could go on a date with me. But she was not available, so the three of us went out. During our discussions, I mentioned that my mother’s mother had been a Christian scientist. She had had a mild heart attack but did not tell anyone. Soon after, she had a second heart attack and died when I was 11 years old. Marty thought about her grandmother who died in the same way. Later that week, I called Marty and asked her if she wanted to go on a date the next Saturday since she and Randy were just good friends.

(Marty) When Charlie asked me to go to the start of the Detroit to Mackinaw sailboat race in Port Huron MI, I called my mother and happened to tell her of my upcoming date. She heard Charlie’s name and connected him to my grandfather’s second wife, Anne Koestlin who amazingly was Charlie’s grandmother. Both our grandparents were widowers who fell in love after their first spouses died. They married when Charlie and I were children. Our parents knew each other but the grandchildren never got together at the same time. Charlie and I remember visiting our grandparents’ home but the two of us never met. When we got to the start of the race where Charlie’s dad, Chuck, had a boat in the race, I met Charlie’s mother, Ginny. When she heard about our family connection, she told us later that she felt excited. She had loved my grandfather because he made her mother so happy. Later on, Ginny told us that on that day she predicted we would get married.

Who We Are

Thu, 01 Sep 2016 20:48:50 GMT

We are Charlie and Marty Coe. Married since 1967, we have lived both ends of the happiness/disillusionment spectrum. In our early years, we were madly in love. We would pinch ourselves in disbelief that we were so fortunate to be married. But disillusionment insidiously crept into our marriage.

We entered into a life of married singles. Charlie immersed himself in his job, jogging, television, and other activities, leaving little time for Marty. Likewise, to fill her loneliness void, Marty threw herself into being a good mother, church stalwart, housekeeper and volunteer for a host of worthwhile causes. To the outside world, we may have seemed happily married, but we knew better. We were train wreck waiting to happen. Growing more cold and distant, we became just business partners, not lovers were best friends. While we had not mentioned divorce, the possibility loomed large.

Thankfully, God and good friends intervened. In 1980 we experienced a Marriage Encounter Weekend that changed our lives. We began the process of healing past hurts and falling back in love. On the weekend we learned the rudiments of good communication. We learned that love is much more than a feeling; it is the myriad decisions and kind acts we make daily to put our spouse first in our life. We got the first hint that God counts on each married couple to reflect his love for his people. Accordingly, we began to reorder our priorities to make our marriage our first priority.

We believe in free will but that God has a hand in matching each married couple. We believe that a good marriage rests on three legs: (1) having God as the cornerstone, (2) communicating effectively and (3) having the loving support of friends and family with whom we can share our deepest joys and fears.